It’s true. I never thought I’d live to see the day that the one time intergalactic warlord would convert to the “religion” he inadvertently inspired much less be paroled from the prison cell wherein he spent some 75 million years, but I announce to you, the world of Scientology that your cult can rejoice because today, today, today, the unthinkable has happened. And I have a picture to prove it too.

What do you think?

I guess in the eyes of some this post is anti-religious bigotry. But as I’m somewhat religious, that characterization probably doesn’t suit me well. I’ve read a little about cults in the last few years since buying a copy of Seductive Poison, Deborah Layton’s excellent story of her experience in the People’s Temple. A close friend of mine growing up battled drugs for several years and has since joined a fundamentalist cult. Speaking to him on the phone several years ago, he sounded like a different man altogether, not for the better either; bitter, angry and perhaps a bit deluded. Cults are serious things. As opposed to what we call religions, I suppose cults are lead by charismatic leaders who demand the full amount of energy and resources they can get from their followers, who sacrifice what they have to provide a better life for the leader. Mainstream spiritual movements allow for a person’s familial and social decisions–right or wrong–to be made by the adherent and those who choose to walk away are less likely to be berated for their conscience decisions. Cults, like totalitarian regimes, require absolute loyalty and employ surveillance. Betrayal can have disastrous consequences.

Nevertheless, the other side of the coin in life is often humorous and to lighten things up a bit, I thought that I’d propose some excellent Scientology T-Shirts. Actually, these shirts would be best worn by ex-members, though maybe the summer line will have some designed for the believer to wear. We’ll see. It’s really about what’s in style in Milan. Here goes.

First up, this one is best for the disgruntled, excommunicated Scientologist who was lucky enough to realize his church’s beliefs were pulled out of L. Ron Hubbard’s ass, but unfortunate enough to have wasted perhaps a decade or two of his life in the cult:

I really think that is quite nice.

The on up top is really more of explanation for why someone would leave the Co$.

Next, we have a very swell design that really should be described as pop culture:

The next one seeks to make the cult of L. Ron Hubbard more accessable to those who are too poor to pay enough to learn the theological underpinnings of Dianetics:

And finally above, an ode to the man who was the inspiration behind losing all of your cash, going through psychological torment and likely having to attend counseling to handle the readjustment to the real world.

I hope you like them.

In 1987 the BBC, long interested in exploring the cult of Scientology (yes, it is a cult, thank you very much), produced a cartoon to detail what Xenu, the intergalactic leader Scientologists blame for creating this whole mess we’re in.

The BBC’s rendition of Xenu resembled a human being, although other versions, including one by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, creators of South Park, had a very distinct out-of-this world look.

As the West learned in 2006 after riots throughout the Muslim world left hundreds dead or injured, many adherents of Islam are loathe to see depictions of their prophet.

Seeing as the Church of Scientology neither confirms nor denies the existence of Xenu in their cosmology (recently, high-ranking stars such as Juliette Lewis, Leah Remini and Kirstie Alley had the gall to deny it), it is important for us gentiles to take a stab at depicting the leader who apparently banished Aliens from his overpopulated galaxy to volcanoes and then dropped atom bombs on them and then captured their souls and then indoctrinated them with false beliefs and then had them take to human bodies…phew, that was hard.

Anyway, I know Scientology believes in Xenu, although many are too scared to admit it. I’ve come up with a contest and I’m urging you to participate in it. The prize isn’t much, only $20, but well worth it. Here goes: submit a drawing or painting (scanned and emailed) of what you believe Xenu looks like to me at or Pretty simple. Just send it as an attachment. I’ll post all of the entries and choose them among a lottery. We’ll figure out how you can get your $20, which by the way, I have in an envelope. I’ll give you credit for the depiction so long as I can post it here on this site. Anyway, I’m gonna take a stab at it myself, although I am automatically disqualified from the $20.

So what are you waiting for? Just do it. Show me what Xenu looks like to you.

DISCLAIMER: Scientologists and non-Scientologists encouraged to participate. No Thetans.